My White Xmas

I took one of those cheap flights over the festive period, that Irish airline, not Cunni Lingus, the other one, RuinAir. Never again. I booked online, I started at eight and two hours later I was done. By then the fare had risen from £1 to £85 what with fees, fuel, oil and the captain's rum. Still it was only half what BA wanted for Malaga, which was where I wanted to go. But Riga looked pretty in the snow and the airport was only an hour from the Latvian capital. I’m a sucker for a bargain.

Airports are shopping malls with seats for eating where you may sit for a fee. Best not stay long. After an eternity the flight was called, the excitement of travel kicked in and I was on my way to the ever receding departure gate. Then the all comers race across the tarmac. I half inched a white stick so when the gun was fired I was well placed at the starting line. Twice I fell on the aircraft stairs but I was soon up and the  boot marks brushed out easily enough. The next thing was a crawl through fist fights and fallen bodies. Girls, they're such scrappers. Calm restored we went on an afternoon tour of the airport while they sold us booze, balm and bandages. A kick and a roar and we were in the air.

It's an odd thing flying, you sit motionless in a tube, time passes and you get off somewhere completely different. Meanwhile you keep yourself occupied with magazines that have nothing in them and sounds that cost a fortune. I paid for the phones but I was damned if I was going to pay for a piss. I filled a Lucozade bottle and lost it on the floor. The trolly-dolly sold it for a fiver. By then we were on our way down.

Shiver, shudder and bumpity-bump and we were skipping across the ice. The natives turned out to meet us at the foot of the stairs. In their funny fur hats they had a passing resemblance to Russian soldiers. That's when I saw the Kalashnikovs. Oops, wrong airport.


Three nights in the local Lubyanka isn’t my idea of a holiday but bread and water thrown in it cost me nothing. And just as well, eighty five quid and all I had was a bloody single. So no more RuinAir for me, this summer I'm flying Icarus Airways.