Goodbye Movember

I’ve never wanted a moustache and I don’t care for them on others. I'm told there are women who love nothing more than to be kissed by a man with a moustache. I’ll take their word for it but don't kiss me. The moustache comes in all shapes and sizes, there's Hitler’s toothbrush and Nietzche’s soup strainer, the whizzo-prang handlebars of the RAF and the boot laces worn by chinese sages. All gone. Good.

It's not widely known Der Fuhrer copied his smudge from Charlie Chaplin after seeing The Great Dictator. He hoped it would make him as popular abroad as he was at home. Groucho Marx went for a bolder version - an oblong of black grease. Any woman he kissed would have had one too - three, four .

It’s said Bulgarian men inherit their enormous black brushes from their mothers but this is a slur on the Balkan beauties. Fact is they keep them in a box and put them on when they go out. Their wives too. When I see a muslim woman peeping through Satan’s Letterbox I think at least the poor cow doesn't have to pluck her top lip. Let me digress, the wrong sex is wearing them! It’s the men and their horrible hairy beards that should be hidden from sight. See how they like it.

Until recently if you had a moustache you had to be gay. A certain type appropriated the manly look and took it for their own. Others shaved their heads and wore tight leather as well. Many still do. In the distant past when a hard looking bloke loomed out of the dark you had to be nervous. It was the same a short while back, you could be seized and kissed. Euuurgh, a moustache! 

Here's a dinner party trick. Draw a moustache on the protected side of your index finger. A Salvador Dali is good. When everyone is tight and wine bottles are rolling around the table curl your finger over your top lip and look around. It’s a killer.